Sunday mornings I glide from sleep into journal mode. Today I noticed a common thread {sharp and jagged}: this is the third consecutive week I have awaken with a sense of overwhelm + the need to drain {vomit} it via hand-written entries upon the pages of what has become My Sunday Journal.
It has become that by practice: once a week; a time of hand-written journaling — followed by a freestyle listing of dreams, ideas-to-execute, to-be’s and to-do’s.
It is the foundation for my week. A portal allowing me to pass through to my Next. A way of shedding the skin of the previous week’s realities, growth and discoveries. A way of writing my story; remembering and marking mile markers of my journey.
Especially useful when I begin to confuse my wandering with being lost.
Because I have decided to surrender to wandering and other things I have no words for … I decided today is Day One … that my story needs some editing — and more color and collage.
The amateur tweets. The pro works. ~Steven Pressfield
For a month, I have steadily moved off the track that proved best for my “look! a shiny thing!” mind: be “disconnected” in the morning. Pain invited my distraction and switched the track of single-minded-focus to doing whatever served to keep my mind wrapped in anything other than high levels of pain and immobility.
However, my plan was to allow art-making to be my “distraction” and focus. This becomes limited by the detour which occurred in creating space {time, physical space, mental white space} to art-making due to the MS stuff.
Cue self-loathing …
Fortunately, I remembered Julie’s post from last week; and clicked back through to this video with Jonathan Fields — resulting in immediate relief due to pulsing feelings being soothed by Truth. I even wrote about this last week:
Each of us live a life few know about. We have our reasons. And … everybody doesn’t need to know every thing. [link] But resisting the self-loathing — daring to love ourselves as we are is where we begin to co-exist with the angst of our {one wild and precious} life.
Love is more than its romance
… it is letting go.
Accepting who you are —
as you are — now.
Trusting that you are {enough}
— regardless of how you feel.
It is not new for me to know overwhelm is the result of facing fear-based challenges and dancing wildly outside of one’s comfort zone; each of us knows that … We simply need to hear a “me, too” — our cue to put the proverbial oxygen mask on before going “higher” and through momentary turbulence.
Change your story, change your life.
Latest edit: I’m done with bright and shiny.
There are numerous reasons I freely shed the skins of “I am fine.” and “It’s not that bad.” … And it has taken years for me to admit to myself that pain is not fine, and it is that bad. I don’t have words to describe all of that, but basically … I’m done with bright and shiny.
The practice of being specific, asking different questions with regard to accomplishing my dreams {and the scenarios that cue self-loathing} is liberating me from the paralyzing effects of the cycles of my life.
Art journaling and sharing my pages online and selling prints of my art are a few of the answers to these questions.
I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn’t say any other way – things I had no words for. ~Georgia O’Keeffe
The overwhelm is rooted in the growing list of uncompleted tasks {detailed on the bundle of cards stacked on my desk}; it is wrapped in the realities of MS fatigue and disrupted schedules due to pain. The weight of what was not accomplished in the prior week, and words like “always” and “never” I imagined stamped {in red, bold fonts} over my art-full lists — with regard to “incomplete” and “completed,” respectively.
{writing is like breathing for me}
Exposing the good, the bad and the ugly of my right brain planning is life for me. Moving through the narrow way of vulnerability wipes me clean of the shame …
How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. ~Annie Dillard
So, today is Day One; I will not resist things I have no words for. I will assess; I will do one thing {as many times as I am able}; I will not be bright and shiny. I will resist the urge to believe my posts all read the same or that what I am living {being; without marked progress} has no value.
What needs to be assessed in your life?
What will you decide, Braveheart?
How is today Day One for you?
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