my {half} birthday and Vincent … doubt and goodness

What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? ~Vincent van Gogh

The courage to attempt; to press through the immediate and to remember why it is, why you do what you do.

Even if I didn’t look at a calendar, I would know it is the last week of July. Because even without noting it, this is the time when I feel a shift in focus; and it is a notorious time for doubt.

It is the week of my “half-birthday” and the date that Vincent van Gogh passed away from this world {after he decided his contribution to the world had run its course}. An event I often wonder about … What role did doubt play? what was his state of mind?

Several days before my birthday my friend, Jennifer ‎ Visscher, and I were talking; she asked me: “How will you honor yourself for your birthday?” … I didn’t have my answer until I saw this card on Instagram, created by Suzanne L. Vinson. (Suzanne later sent this card to me as a gift; she created it as a part of her Speaking Wisdom Series.)

“I shall celebrate the goodness in my life,” I replied.

At that time I was in the midst of “listening and abiding” … of processing recent decisions to “let go” {resign; sever; mourn-no-more} and to celebrate goodness would thwart the temptation to become bitter. That decision made as a resolution at the end of 2011 allowed me to remove the filters I had been looking through regarding business decisions and personal commitments.

Why’s and justifications lost the ability to control me.

Questioning my own judgment {doubt} regarding the reasons why, “defending” myself and allowing myself to be an audience to the justifications of others, occurs less and less. I knew what had to be done — and I did it. It was time.

I asked myself why I kept giving — even after a situation proved fruitless, or the people involved repeatedly failed to keep their word. Sometimes we give because “it is our turn” to pay it forward … but sometimes we give our time and talent to busy ourselves — to learn something we need to know … or while we ache to “fix” something within ourselves that we are not ready {or willing} to face.

So let us not confuse waiting with a lack of courage.

I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. ~Vincent van Gogh

Being outside at night or early morning when it is still dark centers me like nothing else. It is a time when I peel off the masks of my doubts, and being in the still of darkness feels empowering {less scary}. ♥

Because sometimes when I write here, I feel as though I am writing about the same stuff … over and over. And in some ways, I do. Because I write what I know and what I know expands and contracts as it makes its way into my art and my right brain plans.

I write about what some people resist writing about. Because it is difficult to admit our doubts. That we “hash and rehash” the desires and plans of our hearts … But doing so allows us to separate whims from wishes, diversions from dreams.

Fear has the capacity to create courage and vision within us — when we pause and remind ourselves of its value. ~Vincent van Gogh

I am so empowered by Vincent van Gogh’s writings, his life and art … because he was so honest about his life. He had doubts and questions and emotionally-swirled times. He even wrote that he preferred to be called simply, Vincent, because he didn’t want to be “tangled” with the people he shared a last name {and who were not always supportive}; he was blunt, even though he was financially dependent upon his brother and other benefactors. But he also cared deeply for people even when his affections were not reciprocated.

It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done.

Be careful, old boy, don’t lose your resilience. See things as they are, and, for yourself, don’t think everything good. ~to his brother, Theo, who was facing the death of a friend

I will love and I will be resilient; I will see things as they are — and resist embellishing the facts of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. That is how I shall abide in the time of doubt. I have done what I promised myself I would do {Goals, Dreams and Deadlines} and I shall continue …

If you hear a voice within you say, “You cannot paint,“ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent van Gogh

 Everything in creation has its appointed painter or poet and remains in bondage like the princess in the fairy tale ’til its appropriate liberator comes to set it free. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

♫♫ Starry, Starry Night by Don McLean