{manhole covers and turning down the volume}

“You are fatigued. It makes everything “louder” … You know?” she said.

Geez. What a week.

It is very right brain — this post. But here goes. I started writing it by listing keywords; then adding my explanation for clarity. My clarity. I cannot be sure this post will make any sense to you, Braveheart. ♥

But I am so glad you are here; I will try to be clear for you, too.

Because you allow me to feel less timid about sharing my vulnerable, outside-the-lines, freeform, visual way of thinking. ♥

Here goes:

• blurts — sudden utterances; a common thread of my journaling this week. I am finally {mostly} free of “smile and nod” conversations {situations and relationships}. But from time to time, related-to-past {but not pertinent} verbiage blurts out. I respond to people I adore and respect with quasi-Tourette statements; and I suddenly want to explain stuff. But I really don’t want/need to explain.
• overflow —  blurts and wanting to explain lead to overflow {and louder} and more frequently occur when I am in the midst of a series of Red-Level pain and physical restriction; overflow requires a plan and action.
• municipal wastewater — as in city services {a plan and action, remember?} I used to serve as a community development director for a city. During which time I was responsible for researching and securing right-of-way permissions from land owners; there was a lot of {important-to-the-process} citizen blurting during city commission meetings; and a lot of need-to-know info and on-site collaborations pertaining to the start-to-finish details of, um, wastewater. e-ew!
• manhole covers — which brings us to why I chose the image I did for this post! You know, from wastewater … I thought of a manhole cover, going underground to the source of the blurts and wanting to explain: Getting {back} down to the nitty-gritty. Or not.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

• bloom — to blossom; to press through from tightly-wrapped-bud into full bloom. It is time. To bloom. In vibrant, living color!
  
• fullness of now — Before has concluded {been redeemed, mourned, settled, learned-from} — Now and Next are my focus. I stall a bit {in the everything louder} … But Before is over. Definitely over. ♥
  

This moment is yours, this moment is mine, and we’re gonna be fine. ~Brendan James

A fellow Braveheart posted this quote. Although our dis-ease labels are different, she and I share similar physical challenges. Such timely words.

I’m gonna be fine. We’re gonna be fine.

Blurts are both secret messages for Now and Next — and healing removals of Before. Messages that reveal our vulnerability and ever-growing inner sparkle. Thus allowing {a deeper} removal when we are knocked down by a sudden blow of revelation pertaining to Before {sorrows, regrets, self-blame, prickly doubts}.

No one can get up from being hit, until they have been hit.
Resolve doesn’t come from an easy life.
Be Brave and Stand

Even when we were so certain that said situation was already dealt with. That we had overcome that proverbial “interruption” and uncomfortableness. But, Braveheart, as Mandy reminded me: We’re all nervous.

What do I want now?

This week has been a healing adventure. Overflow hit yesterday — giving me the words to finish outlining this post! I rested {and turned the volume down}; then I turned it back up and listened to two songs {from two ends of a music spectrum}: Will The Circle Be Unbroken and Here For The Party

I realized what I was feeling related to situations that no longer exist. Except when I turn to that page in the memory book of my mind.

Most of that proverbial section was been ripped out during tearful rages of healing, but pages remain.

Despite these periodic lapses, I released these situations on New Years Day during a memorial service of sorts. A burning bowl memorial service to acknowledge and to commemorate; a service concluding with only ashes to blow away in the wind.

No manhole to go down into; no burial site to visit or mourn {rehash, try-harder, explain one more time}. Simply a healing closure.

Dust in the wind …

• wind — winds of change; prayer flags in the wind; cool breezes on a hot summer’s day. Winds to carry away and winds to bring change {seasons, weather patterns}. Leaving nothing to dig into, resolve … or to explain.

God’s plans for your life far exceed the circumstances of your day. ~Lou Giglio